How do you pick up where you left off when you are a completely different person? I’ve been browsing through my old posts, and I’ve realized I am nothing like who I was before. These past 4, almost 5 years has reshaped me to the core.
I look back on some of my hardcore training sessions, the ones back from 2007 to 2012 and I do not know how I managed to do 300 plus pushups in one day and bike 30 miles etc. Today, it’s a challenge to do my daily chores in the house and I’m thrilled as of late to get to cook again and take short walks. My new joy is my time on the Peloton but it’s challenging as I can’t do too much or my back, neck and knees flare up again. So I take it one day at a time.
I’ve improved a great deal from just 6 months ago so I’m very encouraged and hopefully more improvements are coming. Though I will say more surgeries lie ahead as well. I guess I should backtrack for those reading this who may not follow me on Instagram or FB. I’ll keep it short as it’s a long story. In 2015 I had my first spinal surgery, an artificial disc replacement for my C5/6 then about 8 months later I was struggling with extreme fatigue and hormonal issues and I went to an Endocrinologist who after months of testing diagnosed me with secondary Addison’s disease and other low hormone imbalances. It was taking a huge toll on my overall well being and energy levels. The same year my lower back gave out for the 3rd time and I went to the Emergency room for a pain block and spinal injections to try and avoid surgery. The same week we were moving from Singapore to Holland! It was extremely stressful which then put added strain on my Addison’s and I was given meds that messed me up further.
We then moved to Holland and shortly after arriving I was seen for my back. They put me in a back cast for several weeks as I had to remain in bed only to have the cast removed to go straight into back surgery. My recovery was extremely hard but I made it through however we once again were on the move, this time back to the states. The strain of the move was hard on my recovery. It was only 6 months or so after my back surgery that I began to have extreme pain again and it was getting worse. In March of 2019 I had to go back for another lumbar fusion.
Given my Addison’s, and my hormone issues, my body was not given the time needed to recover and I felt drained in a way I’ve never felt before in my life. Adding to all of this the same arthritis plaguing my spine had progressed severely and hands felt broken, swollen and it was hard for me to do small task. I had no strength in my hands and nerve pain coming down my neck and arms. Why? Was there another issue going on? Yes. 5 months after my 2nd lumbar fusion I unfortunately had to go in for a cervical fusion on my C4/5, just above the 5/6 I had done in 2015. This was now my 4th spinal surgery in just 4 years. It was hard for me physically and mentally as you can imagine. My body was completely drained, the pain was not getting better and now new injuries from the arthritis kept getting worse.
How do you deal with all of this without becoming jaded? How do you keep joy and gratitude in your heart? It’s not easy. I’m in pain every day and it never ceases. I’m not on pain meds which probably would help but I’m afraid of the addiction.
So where does this leave me now. As of late I’m in PT for my neck and for a shoulder issue we are trying to resolve without surgery. I went in for injections back in January but unfortunately they have not helped. I’m still hoping though with more PT and hard work I can get past this one. My knees however, I’ve waited too long on those. 4 orthopedics have now told me they are complete bone on bone and my knee caps are both off center and I will need both of my knees replaced. They have told me is for a few years now and I’ve been holding off as my back, neck etc has been far more severe. I asked if they could scope them but I was told no. I’m holding out on one last opinion. We will see….
Now there is the summary, yes that was a summary! It’s been a long drawn out ordeal. And it’s been very draining on my heart and my mind. But I’m a fighter and life is what we give to it and I want to give my all in this fight back.
This blog, my journey is now one of recovery, mental health, and one of trial and error. I’m going to be posting my emotions, good or bad 😀 my foods to stay on track, my workouts no matter how small, and various things that matter to me!
It’s my way to express my heart, my mind, my pain and my grief even as I come back from all of this and as I move forward facing more challenges. My hope is that maybe someone would see this who could be facing their own uphill journey and feel encouraged in the fight.
I am just one of many facing a difficult time. There are so many of us struggling, but finding a way to cope, to fight on is so important. I hope you are encouraged in your fight today.
What is now is not forever. Remember this.
Looking forward to sharing my journey again with you all. Jen x
